survived without you...

as you can see, i survived without you
even though sometimes, i break my hands because 
even if i've made it without you, i still write about you all the time
even though sometimes, my eyes start to well up with tears when i remember the way you tilt your head-
when i remember the way you fumbled over three words
even though sometimes, my heart needs a mallet to the chest and 
even when i lose my breath, i catch it at the thought of your hands around my neck
i am a masochist in the most innocent kind of way
i am making it without you
even though sometimes, when i can’t find the courage to put on a smile,
i shatter my ears with deafening music
in the hopes that it might push the thought of your eyes out of my tortured mind
i can make it without you
even though sometimes, my fingers they tremble, they shake 
and i find myself rocking back and forth or pacing, pacing, pacing and counting-
all the cards that i placed in your hands-
when i was at your mercy
you crushed my love like the pulpy mass that it was
i thought my love for you was endless and i was damn right
but yours wasn’t
and that’s why i’m trying to make it without you
even though sometimes, i feel like i can’t.