reminder...

i was flipping through my phone
when i ran across a picture
that i forgot to delete
it wasn't anything special
just a candid
a random shot into the darkness
we call life
yet it took me back
to the days where 
you promised me you'd always 
be there for me
days when you would kiss me softly
days where you would whisper
i love you and your sweet breath
would tickle my ear
and my palm would be sweaty
but you'd still hold my hand
then i went back to the nights 
where tears would stream down my face
and you didn't tell me you loved me instead
you said things i never thought you would
nights where you didn't kiss me anymore instead
you would inject poison into my heart
nights, where i needed you the most
where you promised you'd always be
but you weren't anymore
i understand now, why i didn't delete that picture
because i needed a reminder of
why i don't want to go back.

loves dark side...

love is portrayed
with flowers and hearts
and intertwined hands.
but what people forget to mention
are the hours spent
at four in the morning 
crying and listening to sad music
and writing heartbroken letters
because there are multiple sides
to love.
and love isn't all about
the kisses and hugs and cuddling.
there's a darker side
that people try to overlook.

but it's still there.

and it's still love.

men...

men

want to fix you
save you
or fuck you

i can't be fixed
and i don't care to be saved

ghosts...

do you know what a memory 
ghost is? it's not an actual ghost,
or course. it's the pizzeria that
takes you back to your first kiss.
it's the song that brings back
those long summer nights. it's 
the movie you can't see without
missing your old best friend. it's 
the book you used as an escape
during a rough times. a memory
ghost, is a memory that's so 
strong, it's left an invisible mark
so it can never be forgotten.

wrong chemistry...

i am the unbalanced mixture
of volatile compounds,
i am chemistry 
gone wrong.
when this they poured 
into the that of me,
rumor spread
of melted test tubes 
and beakers that boiled.
tip yourself 
and call it experimental,
but i'd bet the rest
of my un-scorched molecules
that all you are
will stabilize
me.

survive...

i will end with broken hands
and a hoarse throat voice
from screaming for more.
bring no more
for i am built to endure
anything you can throw at me.
i am made with bones that bounce
and giggle at the sound 
of their own cracking.
there is nothing
i cannot survive.

the good girl...

when you choose to love someone who is
damaged...you take on the weight of
their past,
their pain,
their guilt.

you must be strong.
you must be patient.

you can stop the bleeding...
and help them scar over.
but they will always, always
be a little broken.

if you can handle that...
if you can accept the dents and cracks...
if you can ever get them to trust you...
you will never find a better ally than one who 
is damaged.
above all else: they know about survival.
after all, they are still here...wondering if
someone like you will ever love them.

gravity...

you have a pull
like gravity on me.
you are the core to my earth,
keeping me grounded.

how lucky i am
to have fallen into your orbit.
to circle you until my last day,
until i burn to nothing.

heroes...

and if i could tell you one thing
it would be:

you are never as broken as you think
you are.

sure, you have a couple of scars,
and a couple of bad memories,

but then again

all great heroes do.

swallow you whole...

you want me to be a tragic
backdrop so you can appear 
to be illuminated, so that
people can say 'wow, isn't 
he so terribly brave to love a 
girl who is so obviously sad?'

you think i'll be the dark
sky so you can be the star?
i'll swallow you whole.


-warsan shire

my heart, your love...

in all the world there is 
no heart for me like yours.

in all the world there is
no love for you like mine. 

easily bored...

people today get bored of everything very easily, their mobile, their close ones, their partner, their job, their car, their life in general. the problem is that they have become so impatient, they want newness at every step of life. the truth is that this in not practically possible and living life this way is only going to lead to problems and sadness. patience has always been one of the strongest virtues and it is most significant in the present day world. run after whatever it is that you want to, but don't run away from everything. as you'll soon find out, there is no where you can run away to. try to cherish and enjoy whatever you have while trying to get more out of life.

pain...

i've always prefered physical pain
over emotional hurt.
at least when you break your arm,
you'll know when it's over.
when you break your heart,
you'll never know when the pain will end.

offered...

how stingy is the lover
who brings
only sun, moon, and
stars?

he's merely offered one 
flame from an inferno;
a sole pebble from a 
quarry; and yet he
thinks himself so
generous and grand.

does he already know, man
already possesses
within himself all that
and more?

here,
take my heart in your
opened hand,
and behold the entire
universe beat in your
palm.

fear...

i want to 
let her know
though
that all the nights
sleeping beside her

even the useless
arguments
were things
ever splendid

and the hard
words
i ever feared to 
say
can now be
said:

i love you.

-charles bukowski

if you were me...

if it was you who was i,
you would know how torturing 
it is to not receive a care in the world
at all by the one who holds your
very heart, if it was you who was i,
you would grow familiar with
the sudden surge of tears and the 
all too familiar feeling of a stomach
being dropped at the sight of you
holding another. if it was you 
who was i, you would be at torment 
with your mind and the constant thoughts
of you encircling it, yet the greatest 
thought of all being that i never cross your 
mind -- not once.
if it was you who was i, you would know
the feeling of holding a world full of
love for someone who wont even give you
the time of day.
and if it was you who was i,
you would understand why my heart is
so heavy, and why my eyes are 
so distant.

closure...

closure is a joke.
the only apology you need, is the one you owe yourself for staying as long as you did.
the only conversation you need to have and the only person you need to see again, is the person in the mirror. 
look at yourself and say 
"you know what, i fucked up. my worth is more than that."
that's your closure.

dont keep dancing with the devil and wonder when you are still in hell.

paradox...

you are my favorite 
paradox.

because you bring both
tears of complete anger and
sadness to my eyes, yet you are
the same person who's there
to wipe them off.

because you bring both
rain to my weather, and the
sunshine which forms a 
beautiful rainbow at the end
of it all.

and because no one can make 
me feel as small, and
no one can make me feel
as big, as you.

etymology...

this is the 
etymology of us:

you placed your fingertips
on my heart and ignited
something profound
and
i looked at you
and caught a glimpse of
forever.

this was the birth of us
but it was also
the destruction.
this is how we came 
to be.

note #6...

i've felt paper cuts, and
bruised knees.
sunburns, and runny
noses.
but oh dear, there is not
a greater pain in my life,
than the pain i feel in my
heart everyday as i wake up
to the thought that i love
you twice as much today as i 
did yesterday; while you still have 
not an ounce of love for me.

love you in silence...

i choose to love you in silence
for in my silence i find no rejection.

i choose to love you in my loneliness
for in my loneliness no one owns your heart but i.

i choose to adore you from a distance
for distance shields us both from pain.

i chose to imprison you in my thoughts
cause my thoughts, freedom is for me to decide.

i choose to kiss you on the wind
for the wind is gentler than my lips.

i choose to hold you in my dreams
for in my dreams there is no end...

xvii...

i do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
i love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

i love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from earth, lives darkly in my body.

i love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
i love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so i love you because i know no other way

than this: where i does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as i fall asleep.

requiem...

the longing i feel for you
at 4:54 am breaks me.
i didn't want to love like this.
the facade of not needing 
anyone cracks under the
gentle weight of your warm
breath as i lay wrapped
in your right arm.
our feet touch.
our legs intertwine and i realize
this is what happiness is.
no bells or whistles.
it didn't cost anything.
just you and i in a dark, quiet
room and i am home.
you have crept into the
deepest parts of me.
your words...
your touch on my skin...
the way you look so serious much of the time
has infiltrated my existence.
you quite silently tiptoed past
the yellow tape across my shattered and
weary heart that read:
"crime scene do not cross"
you dared to enter when the warning
signs were clearly labeled.
my mind races in the night telling
me i don't deserve this love.
i pray i do not wake to find this
precious love was
just
a 
dream.

mouthful of forevers...

please know:
whether it's the says you burn
more brilliant than the sun
or the nights you collapse into my lap
your body broken into a thousand questions,
you are the most beautiful 
thing i've ever seen.

i will love you
when you are 
a still day.

i will love you
when you are
a hurricane.

guise...

i know no way to say i love you simply.
vast words of intoxicated vocabulary rush expeditiously
with centrifugal force through my lips that are poised to silence you
with a kiss.
perhaps i need to rest a while
and sift my thoughts like sand
so as to catch the words and phrases that i pour on you
like melted wax,
as if you understand them.
i do not know what it is that complicates me.
i only know the smell of rain on asphalt hurls my memory in your
direction
and that i cannot sleep unless we touch.
perhaps the languor of my language will immortalize you.
as i push and pull
apart the dictionary 
my heart carries in its pocket
for moments like this
when the sound of your steady breathing settles my soul.
i know no way to say i love you simply,
save the way my eyelashes brush your cheek
when you're asleep...

leo...

choices...

do you ever think about all of the people who you might have fallen in love with if only you'd taken a different way home or stood a little longer in the bread isle at the grocery store?

all the people who might have been an integral part of your life but instead, you'll never know them.

the unimaginable impact that our mundane choices have on our lives really gets to me.

think of how many times i might have died if i'd made different choices.

maybe i'd be homeless.

maybe i'd be famous.

maybe i'd be rich.

sometimes i'm so overwhelmed by the impact of choices that i can't choose anything at all because i'm afraid today will be the day that i make a choice that changes everything.

faceless blur...

the familiar lines on your face dissolved
into a pattern i no longer recognized.
we used to talk, when it was late at night
and the world had fallen asleep.
breathing in air, side by side,
simultaneously laughing at everything and nothing at all.
you knew more about me than even i knew myself
and all you needed was an uncertain glance
to know if something was rubbing me the wrong way.

that's how it was.
when you spend so much time with someone,
you become less like two people,
and a little bit more like one person.
instead of an individual beings,
we started to bleed together
and we saw each other last
our eyes wet and red we couldn't say goodbye.

we forced a smile to hide back the dull ache
that settled in the back of our throats.
we hugged each other one last time
and agreed that we would never grow apart,
but always closer.
slowly at first, but then it became a natural thing,
to stop talking for a few days.
and then weeks without a sound
of your voice filling up my ears.

sometimes i get this urge to talk to you
and then i remember you're a different person now.
and i know its better off this way.

its still sad.
its always sad when a part of you becomes a stranger,
a faceless blur.



-yh

work it out...

if you think that finding a soul mate is all about having a perfect partner with a tag of awesomeness, then change the way you think. Soul mates are not any special people with some out of the world qualities. They are just ordinary people with an extraordinary passion to make a relationship work despite the odds, despite the complications and despite all the imperfections in their life. No one becomes your soul mate the very first day you meet them. It is a journey of two people in love who happen to be really good together in all circumstances. They just have this spark in their relationship which helps them to make compromises and overcome their imperfections in the most beautiful way. It is a relationship where things just work out and the bond just keeps getting stronger with each passing day.

she loves...

i love because
she loves.
i gaze at the stars,
because i know,
in some divine,
beautiful way:
she carries
the same
light,
curled up,
deep beneath
the melody
in her chest.

-christopher poindexter

not easy...

thoughts...

sometimes...

melanoma...

almost a year ago, my father was diagnosed with stage four melanoma. 

so far, none of this has been easy. there are days where i want to just lay in my bed and forget the rest of the world exists. There are also days that i have prayed for my fathers pain and give it to me, take me, not him. 

yeah, ill admit that before any of this, my father and i had a very rocky relationship, but he is still my father. He has always been the strongest man i know, but hes a fighter. He is still staying surprisingly strong thru this situation. I'll be damned if i leave his side during any of this. 

here is my problem:

after tons and tons of tests, the doctor had figured out the right treatment.

turns out, its a study drug. 

i wasn't too happy with any of the treatment options, but the one that has been decided is a different ball-game. 

my only issue with this study drug is the fact that there is no guarantee of side effects. anytime something new comes up, they have to hold his treatments. i get it. 

originally he was supposed to be on the medicine for around 15 months. now, its over two years. there is no telling what the hell that medicine is going to cause. 

we have had more issues out of this stupid study drug than anything. the longest he has went without having to hold has been right around 2 maybe 3 months consecutive. but then something comes up.

this medicine has caused my father to lose vision in his right eye. legit, cant see anything. yeah, we have steroid eye drops to help it, but really how long will they help? 

its the same with any other symptom. 

my main issue is the fact that i have already heard that the doctors have published something on this study. shouldn't they do that after its all said and done? apparently there are only 3 people who are still alive that are similar cases on the research, my father being one of them. 

he just started the treatment, hasn't even been on it for a year really. 

i understand that the doctors are trying to take note and figure out the answers in a rare situation, blah blah blah. but my father is not a damn guinea pig. he is not a case number. nor a bag of money. 

he is a human being, the strongest man i know. 

i just feel that they're doing all this research and not really looking at the fact that he is a man with cancer and there are people that care about him depending on these doctors. 

how would they feel if they were in my shoes? 

i just feel like they aren't really looking at him as another human being. they don't see it my way. 

he's not a lab rat. he is my father. and i will be damned if they keep him on this treatment. its supposed to help him, not make him worse. i cant lose my father. I'm not ready for it. 

i am terrified that they are going to keep him on this drug and its going to kill him. i want him to be there to walk me down the isle, even if i have to push him in a wheelchair. i want my future husband to be scared to death when they have to ask him for my hand in marriage. i want him there when i decide to make him a grandfather. i don't care if hes in another room in the hospital, i will have the nurse take me and his grandchild to his room if i have to. hes supposed to be there for all of it. 

it is scaring the hell out of me to live with the possibility that i could lose him. 

there is just so many mixed emotions with this. i haven't really talked about it to anybody. i don't like talking about it.  

also, anyone who reads this....may is melanoma awareness month. so please check out the link i am attaching to this post. it could save a life. 

http://www.melanoma.org/get-involved/advocacy-initiatives/get-naked

you are a poem...

i count the syllables
of your laughter
and wait
for the line breaks
of your long deep breaths.

i may be a writer
but you are a poem
and you spill out 
like ink
onto the paper
of our days.


-tyler knott gregson

haven't...

some days...

some days,
to the world,
i feel like
the fake drawers on the bathroom cabinets
or the false pockets
on a suit's vest;
a reasonable addition
that looks like it belongs,
but what possible purpose
will i ever serve?

some days,
to the world,
i feel like 
a thunderstorm with too little thunder
and too much rain
and no fathomable idea
what to do with all the lightning
growing inside me.

some days,
to the world,
i feel like 
a book with no cover and a title page
that it torn;
i am filled with words
but only those that care to read
will ever understand
what i am about.

twenty years...

in twenty years from now
i don't want to be just another name
in twenty years from now
i still want to be in your life
in twenty years from now
i want someone to stop you on the street
ask how you're doing
and bring up my name
i don't want your answer to be
"i haven't seen her in ages."
in twenty years from now
i hope you say
"shes waiting for me at home."