till its gone...

its almost 3am and i am sitting here eating ramen noodles and contemplating on a few things. 

can life just stop being so predictable at times? why does everything happen the way that  the universe intends to be? why must it be so cliche?

i am not perfect. i say something,  then get mad right afterwards. i have hellacious mental breakdowns over the smallest things. i push the right people way, and hold on to the toxic ones. im only human. 

i am physically and mentally hurt at the moment. but i brought all of this on myself. i usually put off the image that i am invincible, nothing could hurt me. its a front. defense mechanism.

stressful could not even begin to describe my life at the moment,. if its not one thing, its another. murphys law, hella big time. i was coping just fine, until my coworker and i had a talk over one of the main reasons i am breaking down. she knows me too well. she opened my eyes to something i was refusing to consider.

main point, every single human being has that one ex that you will never lose feelings for. mine just so happens to be someone i considered to be my best friend. i still do. i had no intentions of falling for him at all. the first time he ever kissed me, was when i just knew that he was that person for me. i have never had that feeling with anyone else. 

when we had finally decided to stop fighting feelings, and do it. i never would have imagined that would ruin a hell of an unbreakable friendship. after the break up, we were still close, like nothing ever happened. until the script was flipped.

the person that was always the one who picked me up when i fell. if i remember correctly, i have done it before, plenty of times, for him. i hid my feelings, and had watched him fall in and out of love with someone who wasnt me. i supported everything hes ever done, even if i knew it was a horrible idea. i was there when the shit hit the fan. as long as he was happy, i supported whatever.

as hard as it was, i handled it. i listened to him talk about another girl. i never acted like it phased me.as long as he was in my life, lover or friend, i was set. i dont understand, why now that the situation has been reversed, how he could just stop being my friend. 

yeah, everyone has their own reactions. i would never get pissed and be mean when he did it before. we swap roles, and he does the opposite than me. it hurts like a bitch too. 

ive had about 90% of people just walking out of my life. it doesnt really phase me anymore. except for him.

he knows me, every inch of my tar black soul. i catch myself writing a text or dialing his number after something happened. taking it to the next level, in my opinion now, ruined our friendship. 

the coworker said her theory of hes got stronger feelings for me, than i him, at the moment. hes being protective, and not happy about me loving another guy. yeah, the other guy has hurt me before, so hes protective. but if there is a lesson to learn, let me do it. i wont learn if someone tries to prevent it. 

they say in life you will fall in love, 3 times in your life. your best friend, soulmate, and someone who is completely opposite of you. 

i miss my best friend. hell all of my few best friends, i miss. yeah, i will always love him. but i also love my boyfriend too. kinda goes along with the quote “treat your girl right, or sit back and watch someone else for you.” if it is meant to be, itll find a way. just gotta be patient and not get your hopes up, just in case it dont happen at all. 

coworker figures the whole feelings so strong cant watch someone else love/have me. he had plenty of chances to make the move again. and he never seized the opportunity when he had it. he had enough time for another man come in the picture and sweep me away from him. dont know what you got until its gone. 

 

 Reblog

get the milk for free...

so ima vent about something that irritates the fuck out of me.
guys these days man.
my future son (whenever i decide to have kids) will respect women.

if you listen to a majority of the music nowadays, most of them are degrading women. 

1. if you see me walking.....dont fuckin whistle at me to get my attention. i am not a damn dog. i wont come running when you whistle.

2. my name is not shawty, bitch, hoe, etc.

3. my eyes are on my face.....not my cleavage. and yes, i have an ass. yeah, i seen you pullin them neck exercises. you aint slick.

4. sex is easy, try love for once. 

dont be messaging me tryin to ask me to have sex with you. do you see me standin on the corner offering blow jobs for ten dollars? uhm, no. i am not a god damn piece of meat. you cant just look at me and think that just because i have a vagina, that ima put out. 
i have boundaries. i have a man. even if i wasnt in a relationship, i dont worry about sex. if im not in a relationship, i can deal without. theres sex toys for a reason. ha.
yeah, ive had one night stands. but not with complete strangers. ive known the person for a while. 
another thing, when you are talkin to me....dont lick your lips. i know what the fuck you are thinkin if you do. yeahh, i look like a delicious fuckin bottle of water and you gotta lick your lips to savor the flavor. blah. fuck you.
oh wait, no. 


point to be made:
the guys that say why buy the cow when you get the milk  for free need a reality.

but........

cultural norm...

alright, so valentines day is friday.

this is actually the first time ive had a significant other on that ive had in like 5 years.

i find myself bein hypocritical at the moment.

yes, i am wanting to do something special on that day.

im a fucking girl, of course im a little excited over it.

i have come to the conclusion that the reason of why i am excited is that i see that day as more of a test for my man. 

we are supposed to be working things out, and hes making it a point to prove to me that hes for real. 

so in my mind....after that day, i most likely will know where i stand with him and make my full on decision about us.

i havent said anything to him about it, tho im pretty sure he knows. 

i cant hide anything from him. its like he can read my mind.

hes got the peephole to my soul.

so maybe its not me necessarily following society. i stand out.....i dont fit in.

so i will refrain from the actual history of valentines day.
since like the 18th century the whole day has evolved into an occasion where lovers express their love for one another by:
presenting flowers.
offering sweets/candy/etc.
sending greeting cards.
most of the stuff having hearts and cupids all over the place.

i really have no issue with the whole expressing our love for another.
preferably not with any of the cultural ways.

my question is:
why the hell would i make it a point to express to the world how much i love my significant other? shouldnt i do that everyday? 
i dont know how many more days i have left on this planet, but ill be damned if i let one day go by without him knowing how i feel about him. i will never let him doubt my feelings.

another thing.
yeah, greeting cards are cute. there are some that are tear jerkers.
i would much rather an old fashioned love note. write me a fucking letter expressing your feelings. something off the top of your head. 
a card is nice, but its not original. 
there is a certain kind of intimacy with love letters. its only for the two of yours eyes.
nobody else helped. straight from the heart. 
come up with something.
its kind of, where the "its the thought that counts" quote comes into play.

fuck chocolate and teddy bears, take time to write your spouse a letter. dont give them a mass produced card. something original. take time to make something. so what if its corny. its the thought that counts. draw them a picture. remember the little things and interpret something like that into your gift. write lyrics to a song that reminds you of them. 
i could go on for days. 

call me old fashioned.
there was more romance back then. 

conversations...

i am a sucker for a good conversation. 
one of those conversations where there is no awkward silences during. 
like what happened to the good ole heart-to-heart conversations?
nowadays its just a small talk or shootin someone a text for a little bit. 
im tired of the hey. how you doin? hows the family? catchin up small talk. 
i miss personal conversations with people that are real with me. 
hell, any topic really.
a straight, full fledged conversation.
one where you and the other person talk for hours and you are tired the next morning because you dont want to end it.
laughing, cutting up, inside jokes, telling secrets, gossip, speaking your mind, etc.

and people wonder why i dont them back most of the time. 
its not the same. 
i get so tired of typin and writin it all out. 
if i really want to attempt a conversation, ill call you. 

sneeze...

I love the random conversations about sneezing that my roommate and I have.
We have a sick and twisted sense of humor.
Its amazing that my father just hears the conversations and just acts like he ain't even listening.
Bless him.

fuck if i know...

Who hates this question:

"What are you planning on doing with your life?"

I cant stand for someone to ask me, then get offended when I answer it. 

First off, im not like all the other people my age that know what the fuck they are doing. 

Yes, I know, I am 23....I should have this figured out, but I have no idea. 

I take my life one motion at a time. I dont even know what I am doing in the next five minutes.

I am still trying to figure myself out. How the fuck am i supposed to know what I am doing with my life, if I dont even know who I am really.

I do have a job. I work for family. I do know that I dont want to be a small town diner girl for the rest of my life.

Anything after that, no idea. 

So stop asking me. 

I dont want to rush into a job and be stuck doing this piss poor job that i hate for the rest of my god damn life.

I feel that if I do what I love, I will never work a day in my life. Only problem is, I have to figure that out. 
All I know is that I am right where I belong right now. Thats all that matters.

Until then, my answer is that I dont fucking know.

common sense...

I can't stand seeing this happen to people. If you have someone that loves you and you just randomly start ignoring them, you are asking for it to backfire. Never push a loyal person to the point where they no longer give a damn. And when they reach that point, don't get mad about it. Its your fault that you were too busy collecting stones when you had a diamond all along. When you ignore them, there is someone else dying to give them the attention they deserve. You are also teaching them to live without you. It is a proven scientific fact that being ignored causes the same chemical reaction as experiencing a physical injury. If you're in a relationship you never want to be responsible for your significant others pain. But that could just be my opinion. Smh. Some peoples kids man. Treat your person right, or sit back and watch someone else do it for you. And never underestimate the actions of a person that's fed up. Last chances don't come with warnings. And if you let them go, its your loss and you don't deserve a pity party. 

Most people worry about finding someone to sleep with than finding someone worth waking up to every morning.

Sex is easy...try love for once.

 There, I'm done. Put that in your juice box and suck it.

my temple...

 I can not stand when people see that I have tattoos and then automatically label me as a bad person. Just because I have tattoos does not mean I am a criminal. I am not trashy. I am educated. I am neither irresponsible or untrustworthy. I am also not on drugs. I am an artist, therefore my body is my canvas. Also, it is my temple, so why not decorate the walls? And no, I do not care what they will look like when I am 70. Ill just be happy to still be alive by then. So the next time one of you judgy people want to down me because I have tattoos, check yourself before you wreck yourself. God is the only person who can judge me. I was born to stand out, not fit in the cliche's of society. Every single one of us are created equal. If you dare think that you are better than someone, for anything....do us all a favor....go to hell. Everyone is fighting their own battles, so try not to be a cunt. I have 8 tattoos & a few piercings, that does not make me any different from anyone else on the inside. I will do whatever i want to my body. If i want a tattoo on my face, by golly ill do it. If i want a facial piercing, ill get it. If I want to dye my hair bright blue, guess what? Ill do that too. I am the only person that has to live with it. 

bedtime lies...

have you ever wondered about the things we tell ourselves before we fall asleep? We whisper the words in the dark, telling ourselves that we're happy, or that he's happy, that people will change their minds. We persuade ourselves that we can live without the people who have left. Each night before we fall asleep we lie to ourselves in a desperate hope that come morning, it will all be true.

two aye emm

Have you ever sat back and wondered if you have already met the person that is considered your soul mate? Like a complete random stranger that you have crossed paths with before? Even if you are in a relationship right now and couldn't see yourself surviving in a world without that person, what if they aren't that person? 

Also, what if one day you wake up as a baby and your whole life was a dream? Is there any regrets that you would take back? Would you do anything differently? Or would you live your life the exact same way and not change a thing?

Idk. I have wayyy too much on my mind right now.

she ratchet...

People these days amuse the hell out of me. 
First off, I can’t seem to understand why people know the consequences of letting go of a good thing for something they know is a horrible idea. Example: an ex comes back into the picture, and you have a wonderful thing with your current spouse. You act upon the temptation and lose the good thing for a random hookup that won’t go anywhere else. 
Like, are you a complete dumbass? I bet your iq test results came back negative. 
Another thing, if your ex did you wrong, and broke your heart. Why the fuck would you get him to cheat on his current girlfriend with you? You know how it feels, why would you want another female to go thru that? And you be the cause of it? Hypocritical bitch. 
And when you do that don’t act like you’re the victim. If you would have respected boundaries, it probably wouldn’t happen. Its both of your fault. 
And its not a good thing when you use your pussy to get a guy to break up with his gf, then when he does, give it up. And then you’re done with them. Youre a homewrecker. End of story.
Worst part is, after you do that, why the fuck would you put yourself on blast and let everyone know you did that? Bragging about it? 
Karma will catch up to both of you. And I hope you two don’t plan on being able to keep anyone around. Cause now that it was bragged about, its on both of your resumes. Bad refrences. 
If I was to learn that the person I was tryin to date actually did something like that……NEXT! I would red flag it and eject myself from the situation. 
Just sayin. 
Done rambiling

oh romeo....

sometimes, i find myself wishing that he could see himself from my eyes. he doesn’t give himself enough credit, ever.

yeah, sure…..the way i see him is completely different than the way everyone else does. people judge him based on impressions and his reputation. i will admit, i did the same as everyone else when we had first met, but i overlooked it all. i was curious, i just had to see for myself what it was that everyone was talking about. and now, I’m glad i was curious.

i love that people see us, or hear about us, and they immediately doubt every little nook and cranny of our relationship. i love proving people wrong, no greater satisfaction. they judge him and refuse to give him a chance to prove them right or wrong.

i would say that i wish everyone could see him the way i do, but that would be a lie. If everyone did, they would fall in love with him too. they would see how beautiful he really is. he is perfectly imperfect, which i wouldn’t trade for the world.

yeah, we have had our ups and downs. everyone around me thinks that i am stupid for holding on, when i really shouldn’t have. neither one of us can resist each other, no matter how much we have hurt each other. i don’t care that everyone hates him and thinks I’m an idiot. they will never understand it.

when they ask what do i see in him,i answer by saying that he is one of most beautiful human beings i have ever met. its in the way that he loves me. its in the way that he is reckless, more than i could ever imagine being. its in his eyes, smile, and laugh. his laugh intoxicates me. his eyes  are my wonderland. and his smile is one of the best sights i could ever see. just his presence gets me high. the way he is crazy, but not looney bin crazy. the way his hands are rough but very tender at the same time. those hands fit perfectly over every inch of my body. the way his heartbeat matches mine. the way i cant stand to be mad at him, not even five minutes.

he is perfectly imperfect. he is my best friend, crying shoulder, my comfort zone, and my partner in crime.
its not easy at times, its not ole plain and simple, routine. it gets chaotic at times, but we always work through it.

we are complete opposites, pretty much. doesn’t bother us. its what makes us complete each other. we are each others missing puzzle piece.

he is my love.

home is wherever he is.

lost and insecure...

I hate when he goes on his little finding himself/shut the world out sprees. There’s never a warning. Its just a normal conversation, then bam I don’t hear from him. He doesn’t realize that when he does that it tortures me. I start over thinking. Is it something I did? Is it something I said? How can I fix it? Why is he doing this? Then he starts talking again. Pops back up like nothing ever happened.  When he’s gone in that brief little time,  I am miserable. I’m lost without him. I just go around like a lost puppy. I hear trucks that sound like his. See trucks that look like his. I hear him. Everywhere. He tortures me. I can’t sleep without him. I toss and turn. Stare at my phone.
Ughhhhhhhhh. I hate it.