my best friend...

true friends are hard to find

and worth their weight in gold

an ear to always listen

and sometimes a hand to hold

they share with you fond memories

and all those precious things

that after a glass or two of wine

make you belly a laugh and sing

they remind you of the times you've had

now how long has it been?

surely we are not that old

i only feel nineteen

they live through your relationships

the good bad and the rest

and survive like you

to tell the tale

they really are the best

life is full of highs and lows

and precious is our time

so make sure that you appreciate them

like i do friend of mine.

poindexter...

-christopher poindexter

1.
i drank her
silence like
liquor and it destroyed
me the same, 
but i fell for all of her,
hopelessly and endlessly.
my soul will always be lifted
when she walks into the room
and my blood will always dance
when her breath passes
through me.

2. she lit a cigarette
with bundles of tears
racing down her cheeks,
and after her lips somehow
found the strength to stretch
into a smile, i thought to 
myself; "sometimes, when
chaos burns like wildfires
around us: we have no other
choice but to fall in love
with the warmth.

3. 
you know what
truly aches all
that you are?
having so much
inside you
and not having the 
slightest clue
of how to pour
it out.

people...

even though there are people in this world
who have bad intentions and do cruel things,
at the end of the day, i still believe in people
because after all, there are still people like
y o u
in this world.
people who send you care packages in the mail
on days when you feel like the rest of the
world doesn't care,
who holds your hand and gives you their 
shoulder to lean on when your head is feeling
a bit too heavy for your body.
people who will make you cakes and mix cds and 
lend you their favourite books just so
you can experience their favorite characters 
too.
people who will tell you, "hey, you're the best
and i believe you can do so many great things
in this world," just when you need it most. 
people who, at the end of the day, still make
you believe that there are good and honest 
people out there.

alone...

i try and tell myself,

"you're not alone."

yet when i get in bed at night

my sadness envelopes me

rather than my blankets

and my head is propped up

by a monster of thoughts

rather than my pillow

and by the weight in my chest,

it feels as if the mattress is laying on top of me

rather than the latter

and all i know through

this confusion

is when i sit up

and take a look around

the only person there

is me

the only person who cares

is me

and the only person who understands

is me

and

gosh,

am

i 

alone.

gh.

raw with love...

i will remember the kisses

our lips raw with love

and how you gave me

everything you had

and how i

offered you what was left of 

me,

and i will remember your small room

the feel of you

the light in the window

your records

your books

our morning coffee

our noons our nights

our bodies spilled together

sleeping.

the tiny flowing currents

immediate and forever

your leg my leg

your arm my arm

your smile and the warmth

of you

who made me laugh

again.

charles bukowski.

swollen lungs...

i am quiet most of the time.
i just stare and think.
my words get frozen within my lungs
and i believe my thoughts are deadly
and theres probably a quarantine
surrounding my lungs.
people tend to ask me,
"why are you so quiet?"
i just smile, laugh, and shrug.
i am quiet most of the time
but my mind is 
l o u d.
my mind is
s c r e a m i n g.
i wish i weren't quiet
i wish i shared my emotions easily.
i do not know how to start.
my words get frozen within my
swollen lungs.


ae.

the river speaks...

how do you bear
standing there naked,
while they're breaking
down the world
around you?
how do you bear
standing so still, so
quiet
while the insects are
crawling under your skin?

some found it safe
to have a heart
you can call home.
not you.
not now.

not anymore.

burning stars...

the whole time i was hoping my silence would fit yours and exclamation marks would gently float across time and space so that boundaries would be crossed; the whole time i was praying you would understand what i was never able to understand. see, we were never about butterflies. we've always been about burning stars. all about us is unearthly and radiant.

ounce of promise...

for a moment there,
i saw an ounce of promise in you.
but you weren't strong enough
to follow through on that.

i just hope, for your sake
that you one day find it again;
that you manage to brush away
the rubble in your head
and find a way
to love, and be loved.

it's something you've been without for far too long.

different days...

dreamer...

there are so many false things in this world
false people, hopes, words
we're tired of being let down
by things that shouldn't matter
but do anyway
because we are idealists
who wish for things to be true
though truth is the farthest thing we've known
and the hoping never ceases
no matter the disappointments
or the buzzing swarm of lies
that fill our heads with disbelief
we stay cynically hoping for the best
because thats what it means to be a
dreamer.

burnt bridges...

we cry over

friends we will never have back

people we once loved

bridges that have been burnt

but theres a reason

the past is in the past

you only have s much

room in your life,

save it

for the people that deserve it

chances are,

if someones in the past,

they deserve to

stay there.

live anyway...

my whole life i've been telling myself 
"dont be afraid." 

and it is only now that i am realizing how stupid that is.
dont be afraid.
like saying'
"dont move out of the way when someone tries to punch you."
or "don't flinch at the heat of a fire."
or "don't blink."
dont be human.

i'm afraid
and you're afraid
and we're all always going to be afraid, because thats the point.

what i should be telling myself is,
"be afraid. but do it anyway."

live anyway.

aimless...

you are the boy
who wanders into hearts
without knocking
or wiping your feet.

i am the girl
who says goodbye
but never really
lets go.

we are the aimless
the hopeless
the broken
the last.


-ec

i met you...

i spent a lot of time
searching for affection 
in shallow spaces

i gave people bits of me
they didn't deserve
and i let myself be hurt,
because i thought
thats what i deserved

but once i let go
of trying to shove puzzle pieces
in places that did not fit,
once i let go of all of the hate
i secretly had stored in the
gashes that decorate my heart

i met you.


-mk

not that wonderful...

there are some things about myself i cant explain to anyone. there are some things i don't understand at all. i cant tell what i think about things or what i'm after. i dont know what my strengths are or what i'm supposed to do about them. but if i start thinking about these things in too much detail the whole things in too much detail the whole thing gets scary. and if i get scared i can only think about myself. i become really self-centered, and without meaning to, i hurt people. so im not such a wonderful human being. 

-haruki murakami-

im not afraid...

i'd cut my soul into
a million different pieces
just to form a constellation 
to light your way home.

i'd write love poems
to the parts of yourself
you can't stand.

i'd stand in the shadows
of your heart
and tell you i'm not afraid
of your dark.



-andrea gibson

perfect...

he said to me, 
"you're perfect, and i want you to be mine."
but i felt i wasn't worthy,
and to be perfect,
i need time.

i knew it would be worth it,
and i could be better if i tried.

then he got tired of waiting,
and i watched my chance go by.

-lang leav

bloom...

                                                                       "Bloom"

 by the paper kites.

In the morning when I wake
And the sun is coming through,
Oh, you fill my lungs with sweetness,
And you fill my head with you.

Shall I write it in a letter?
Shall I try to get it down?
Oh, you fill my head with pieces
Of a song I can't get out.

Can I be close to you?
Ooh-oo-oo-ooh, ooh
Can I be close to you?
Ooh, ooh.

Can I take it to a morning
Where the fields are painted gold
And the trees are filled with memories
Of the feelings never told?

When the evening pulls the sun down,
And the day is almost through,
Oh, the whole world it is sleeping,
But my world is you.

Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).
Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).

[whistling]

Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).
Can I be close to you?
(Ah) ooh (aah), ooh (aah).

Can I be close to you?
Ooh, ooh.

shit talkers...

okay, so i am overdue for another rant.

i have officially added to my life mysteries list.
i have yet to figure out why people love starting shit. some live for that.
one word: hypocrites. 

i keep to myself. i don't socialize with many at all. and i don't let nobody get in my damn business. but i still get pulled in the shit, some how.
instead of running around starting shit about me to everyone else but me.....try saying it to me. in person. and handle the outcome from it too like an adult. if i hit you, you deserve it. but it depends on the situation if i would hit you right then. it'll have to be something that is fucking horrible. accept the repercussions.

and word of advice:
if you're gonna tell someone that i'm being two faced and talking shit behind their back. 
go for it. you'd have to have a recording of it to prove it was me. 
if you're gonna put words in my mouth, at least make it something that sounds like it came out of my mouth. be creative. 
example: knuckle dragging inbred swamp-cunt.

next one:
i legit hate the ex/old fwb that tries to fuck up your relationship. i will make it backfire and get you. dont underestimate me. give up. you're pathetic. there is a reason that they got someone else and forgot about you.  
suck it up, you lost. drop it. 

you cant fuck my world up.
and make it a living hell. 
you can try but it'd be pointless. 
i have managed to fuck it up on my own. 
nice try. 

there is nothing you can do that i have not already done to myself. 

featherstone...

i drift in and out of people's lives,
like a feather in the breeze,
you never really know i'm there,
until i start to leave,
i don't make my connections deep,
because im scared of what ill lose,
i dont try to compete with anyone else,
and ill never make you choose,
i prefer to stick to the sidelines,
because the spotlight hurts my eyes,
i hide behind the smile,
so you won't know its a disguise,
people tend to forget i'm there,
when i'm in a crowded room,
i can disappear for days on end,
and i'm bound to do it soon,
don't worry if you notice im gone,
i never meant to stay,
but i know that you wont miss me long,
ill be forgotten in a day.

eh.

jars labelled pain...

if i showed you my teardrops,
would you collect them like rain,
store them in jars,
that are labelled with "pain",
would you follow their tracks,
from my eyes down my cheeks,
as they write all the stories,
i am too scared to speak,
would you stop them with kisses,
bring their flow to a hault,
as you teach me that pain,
isn't always my fault,
would you hold my face gently,
as you dry both my eyes,
and whisper the words,
"you're too precious to cry",
if i showed you my teardrops,
would you show me your own,
and learn though we're lonely,
we're never alone.

-eh

one aye em...

one in the morning

my eyes won't rest

you're still on my mind

and its making me stressed.

do you really love me,

like you say you do?

or is it something you said

to help me get through.

i question my sanity

more than you'd think 

and when I'm alone

its all that i think.

you keep me at peace

without you id drown

but why do i smile,

when i know i should frown.

wreck...

i try not to glamorize
being a wreck.
and i hate to emphasize
on the fact that
I've been broken a few times.
but you ought to know
that on my worst moods,
i wear my best smile for you.
during my busiest times,
ill skip a meal 
just to hear your voice
for a few minutes.
and on my darkest days,
ill still make sure
that you can see the sun.
and lord know how weak i can be.
so, while there are bloodstains
on my hands,
the last thing i want to hear
is how i didn't fight hard enough
for you.


jl.

could be yours...

if she would only let you in.



her heart
resembles the snow,
in the way it melts with the
slightest sign of warmth.

her eyes
resemble to coal,
in the way one spark
ignites an everlasting flame.

her tears
resemble the glass,
in the way they shatter
as they fall swiftly to the ground.

and her soul 
resembles an infant
in the way it must be held with care,
for it is now fragile
than it has ever been before.


jl.

open your eyes...

i can mend you

with my bare hands alone

if only you would let me.

and i swear to god

that i can fill your eyes 

with colors that have turned 

black and white overtime.

i can make it known that

one is capable of loving beyond

any other sensation imaginable,

and what once tasted of misery

will be like nectar fit for the gods.

but you will never let me in,

and that pains me to a degree

that you just might one day

be able to see.

jl

too long...

i missed you for too long,
in too many ways,
that it became just another part of me;
engraved deeper into my heart with the passing of time.

i would wake up,
stretch,
breathe,
and miss you.

they told me to let it go,
to let you go,
and i would say:

you can not simply will your heart to stop beating,
that no matter how long you hold your breath for,
you can not hold it forever,
and i could only stop missing you,
if i stopped being myself entirely.


eh.

silent fighter...

she was a silent fighter,

with a demon inside her lung,

that stole her breaths right from her,

before they'd hardly passed her tounge,

he was a silent fighter,

who was always taught to share,

and held his breath when he was with her,

just so she could have his air.

eh

dear daddy...

a letter to my father.

dear daddy,

i have always heard that a father is always supposed to be his daughters first love, i agree wholeheartedly.

you loved me first and stole the key to my heart. 

in the future, i may love a man a lot and someday get married. i may find my prince, but you will always be my king. 

but in the end, let me remind you, that no matter what happens, ill still love you. you will always be the best man i will ever know. 

i promise that i will always be your little girl. 

you will always be the best superhero in my book. hulk can't even begin to measure up to you.

yes, we have our ups and downs, but nobody said it was going to be easy.

i never would have imagined that we would be where we are now.

i can promise that you will never have to feel alone, i will be there right beside you for however long it takes.

till the end of time.

god has given me the best gift, you as my father.

and you have given me the best gift by always believing in me.

i love you.

love always, 

your little girl.

entirety...

i want to know how many scars you have
and memorize the shape of your tounge.
i want to climb the curve of your lower back
and count your vertebrae,
your ribs,
your fingers,
your goose bumps.
i want to chart the topography of your anatomy
and be fluent in your body language.

i want you, entire.

killed me...

i never believed people
when they said how much it hurts
to have your heart broken
until
it was me
lying on my bedroom floor
with mascara running down my face
gasping for air
crying

so dont you dare say
you have never killed anyone
because that night
you killed me.


sb.

unlovable...

you tell yourself
nobody will ever love you
because its easier
than admitting someone might.
its easier to believe 
you need no one
than to hold on to the hope
that someday you will need someone.
its so much easier
to believe you're cracked
than to believe you're whole
and its so much easier
to guard your heart
from the very start
than let someone in
and give it the chance
of being broken.
so you tell yourself
its because you're unlovable
but in reality
you are so lovable
and someone will see that someday
and perhaps it terrifies you
more than being alone.

-c

rumi...

i want a trouble-maker for a lover,
blood spiller,
blood drinker,
a heart of flame,
who quarrels with the sky,
and fights with fate,
who burns the fire on the rushing sea.

frighten me...

the things that frighten me the most
dont even come in a physical form - 
thoughts, 
words,
love,
lust,
fear,
loneliness,
heartbreak - 
they're the things you feel with
every componet of your body,
but will never see in its entirety.
that is why i believe the scariest
things are what we can feel,
but never touch.




jl

you and me...

I want to come home to you and taste the waiting on your lips. I want the roses in my hand to fall on the floor because of the impact of your embrace. I want my nails etched into the trench of your back as you bury your head into my collarbone, while your lips unintentionally press against my neck. I want to feel the beating of your heart as it brings me to my knees. I want to taste the desire seeping through your skin and hear the distress exhaled of your lungs. I want your sigh of relief and I want you endlessly.
I want every inch of you as you’ve already taken me.

Connotativewords | jl 

wonderings...

what if all we ever wanted isn't hiding in some secret and far away dream, but inside of us? now as we breathe one another and find home in the way our arms always seem to fit perfectly around the spaces between us?
what if we are the answer and love is the question? 
what if all this time, it was you that you are supposed to find?
i am filled with wonderings, questions and doubts, but one thing i am certain of:
it will always be you that gives flight to the butterflies inside me, calm to the sea u have become and hope to the darkness all around us. 
it is you, it has always been you. 
you are the one to soothe and excite and spread joy like rainfall on the already damp earth; you that pulled me from my longest sleep and kissed my tired eyelids awake.
if life is a question mark, then you, my love, are the proud and bold period that is typed with certainty. 

ponder it...

think about this:

"be connected. yes, there are people who are greater than her. there are people who are more attractive, more intelligent, more caring, and more fortunate. 
thats life - full of temptations.
but don't be deceived by those things. 
because didn't you ever realize that there are people who are also greater than you?
yet, she chose you."

straightforward...

lost and found...

do you know, when you've lost something- like your favorite shirt or a set of keys-and while looking for it, you come across something else you once missed, but have long since forgotten? well whatever it was, there was a point where you decided to stop searching, maybe because it was no longer required or a new replacement was found. it is almost as if it never existed in the first place- until that moment of rediscovery, a flash of recognition. everyone has one -an inventory of lost things waiting to be found. yearning to be acknowledged for the worth they once held in your life.

i think this is where i belong -among all your other lost things. a crumpled note at the bottom of a drawer or an old photograph pressed between the pages of a book. 

i hope someday you will find me and remember what i once meant to you. 

save you...

i will save you
and you will save me too

not with words or magic
we will do this
crawl out from this place we're in
by breathing life
back into each
others lungs each day
by furiously pounding
our hearts against 
the world as one
until,
the whole damn thing
is painted red hot
and wet
with desire.

-michaelxavier

you are...

ive realized that i might know 
exactly what you are to me.
youre the candle flame that was
only supposed to last for the night,
but endeavoured to burn until morning.
youre the butterfly i managed to catch
on the playground in the 3rd grade
that chose not to fly away.
youre the shower faucet that
keeps the water from turning cold,
despite how long i keep it on.
and im convinced 
that youre the indefinite force
allowing me to write these words.
youre a miracle nonetheless,
and you are exactly where
i want to be.

jl

i want you...

i want you to bite my lip until i can no longer speak,
and then suck my ex-boyfriends name out of my mouth.
just to make sure he never comes up in our conversations.
i want you to come to me like an afternoon.
come to me slowly as if you were a broken sunset, 
with a lazy sky on your shoulders.
if you let me be your sunlight,
i promise that i will penetrate your darkness
until you speak in angel wings.
pull me close to you.
tell me that you love me,
and then scratch your future into my back,
so i could be everything that you live for.
i promise that i will die for you daily
and then resurrect in your screams.
i promise that i will love you.
i promise that i will love you as if its the only thing
that i've ever done correctly.

she feels...

and she was lost,
she didnt know what she felt anymore, 
she was both happy and sad at the same time.
she would never tell 
how she felt,
she would stay quiet
and keep it for herself.
she would laugh
and she would smile,
she would act like everything was fine
but she knew
she was living a lie.
behind her smile
she held a broken heart.
she would forgive over and over again
just because she was afraid to lose
someone who never saw her real worth.
she expected too much
and never learned to let go,
she got attached too fast
and when the time came,
a part of her was gone too.
and all those promises
in which she believed
flew away just like the wind.
and she waited,
and waited,
but he never came.
all she ever wants
is to never feel again
because every time she feels, 
all she feels is pain.

learn her...

you must learn her. 

you must know the reason why she is silent. you must trace her weakest spots. you must write to her. you must remind her that you are there. you must know how long it takes for her to give up. you must be there to hold her when she is about to.

you must love her because many have tried and failed. and she wants to know that she is worthy to be loved, that she is worthy to be kept.

and, this is how you keep her.

out of love...

i didn't fall out of love with you.
i loved you for all that you were--
quirks and talents and passions
your flaws and mistakes
your blue eyes and the dimples
that made their way across your cheeks
whenever i said your name.
i loved every atom that comprised your being
but you're not that person anymore.
your eyes aren't the same shade of blue 
and your dimples no longer take me by surprise.
i'm not even sure you're still made up 
of those very same atoms.
no, i didn't fall out of love.
you changed completely
and i am trying to be okay with that.

hiraeth...

another night laying in bed.
another night she is haunted by his thoughts.
her memory loves him, it asks about him all the time.
every single fucking night. 
she lays down and is kept awake by his memories.
just like clockwork.
emotional fucking roller coaster.

she goes over every small detail of him.
their last days together.
the little things he used to do.
the way he smelt.
the way his name echoes in her heartbeat.

then the questions come...
where was he when everything was falling apart?
why wouldnt he just fight for her?
why was it so easy to leave her?
was she wrong for thinking it wasnt real?
was her heart lying when it told her to stop wasting her time?
why?

he is the king of mixed signals.
she is the queen of getting her hopes up.
she was his cure.
he was her disease.
she was saving him.
but he was killing her.

its an every night ritual.
her mind overwhelms her with memories.
questions.
random scenarios of what-ifs.
tossing and turning.
words he said.
flashbacks.
and echoes.
more tossing and turning.
every single fucking night.

no matter how far she pushes his memory,
he still is hidden...
in the valley of her ribs
&
in between her vertebrae and her shoulder blades.

home...

as i held you,
the moment
you allowed my lip 
to gently nestle themselves
in the crevices
of your collarbones,
i swear to you,
that i know this was
where i belonged.
yes.
this was home.

her soul...

"i believe that when you fall in love with a girls soul, you have to fight for her. i want to unfold her heart and never get bored. perhaps the person you fall in love with is not the same person anymore in a couple of years. i want to love those changes, to admire and bury them deep inside my heart. in every heart there is something that will never change. something unique. if i ever find that something that will make me crave her soul so much that it will take me forever to find out who she is, then i can really love someone."

-Zeff Wolf