unsaid...

if you've listened close to silence,
i'm sure that you have heard,
the gentle constant ringing,
in the space between two words,
when you really pay attention,
you find it's not just in your head,
but instead is whispers of the words,
the world has left unsaid,
it's "i love you" left unspoken,
and a mothers last goodbye,
that she never had the chance to say,
as she watched her daughter die,
it's forgiveness never given,
and a "sorry" left too late,
that would have saved a best friends life,
if they'd known it could not wait,
it's a phrase that could have helped them,
and it's secrets that could heal,
it's words from those too scared to say,
the truth of how they feel,
but you have an advantage,
for you're still alive to speak,
words that could help save a life,
or give strength to someone weak,
so may you never leave unspoken,
words the whole world ought to hear,
before they just become the ringing,
in another person's ear.

silent fighter...

she was a silent fighter,
with a demon in her lung,
that stole her breaths right from her,
before they'd hardly passed her tongue,
he was a silent fighter,
who was always taught to share,
and held his breath when he was with her,
just so she could have his air.

feel something...

i don't always like
contentment and simplicity

because i love waking up smiling
and falling asleep smiling
and the feeling of my heart racing
from the onset of a new adventure

and loss and pain
can be just as exhilarating
because while it hurts,
there's still an opened door
somewhere
that promises hope
of a better future

so when i'm not immersed
in a beginning or an ending
and i'm stuck in the middle
of monotonous emptiness,
i am at a risk of throwing myself
into avoidable heartbreak

just to feel something,
anything at all.

priorities...

i want somebody
with a sharp intellect
and a heart from hell.
somebody with 
eyes like star fire.
and a mouth with a kiss
like a bottomless well.

but mostly
i just want someone
who will love me
when i do not
know how to love myself.

acquainted with the night...

i have been one acquainted with the night.
i have walked out in rain -- and back in rain.
i have outwalked the furthest city light.

i have looked down the saddest city lane.
i have passed by the watchman on his beat.
and dropped my eyes, unwilling to explain.

i have stood still and stopped the sound of feet
when far away an interrupted cry
came over houses from another street,

but not to call me back or say goodbye;
and further still at an unearthly height,
a luminary clock against the sky

proclaimed the time was neither wrong nor right.
i have been one acquainted with the night.

man overboard...

I want to tell him I am no good
for anyone. That if he’s down
in this alley looking for love
he’s in the wrong place, darling,

this is a wasteland where nothing
grows, a world full of dark, dead eyes 
and stagnant water, a bulletin board 
so broken he can’t pin his hopes on.

I am a ship so full of cracks 
it’s bound to sink. He stays anyway.

He thinks he’s all endless ocean, 
a map with no corners. A world 
with no edge. He thinks I cannot 
see the fevered drought in his bones,

the thirst from waiting for someone 
you love to come back from the war. 
So much purblind hope, so much faith.
He thinks this is a war we’ll win.

I tell him I am no good for him.
Nonsense, he says. He stays anyway.

demon...

Where did the wind blow?
Through these silent nights 
Of misfortune.
When did my fire die down?
Against ice cold fields
That spelled caution

Why did I swear 
through and through?
To protect you 
Till my dying breath.
When I knew who I was
Burnt out and destined
To befriend death.

Immortal 
With a price to pay
I live everyday
with a guilt so bright
Fooling the devil 
Along my way
How do I sleep soundly
Through the winter nights?

Forgive me
for what I am
A creature 
The epitome of destruction
What I’ve been 
In your thorn filled memories
A ruthless being
The demon’s construction.

i fell in love with you slowly...

i fell in love with you slowly.

it wasn’t love at first sight, 
or even lust. 
it was a gradual process of awkward greetings and embarrassed blushing
of shuffling feet and prolonged touches. 

it was meeting for ice cream and milkshakes on the beach
conversations that stretched over days and
long nights spend wondering whether you felt the same. 
 
it was slow. 
but it was sure
and looking back now, i wouldn’t have it any other way

amrita...

my mind is a riot, a war,
a constant, consuming cacophony
but my body is a bastion
of numb, unwanted calm.
my thoughts, they scream,
and silently, imperceptibly
my lips twitch. my skin
holds the storm in.

validate...

i have come to learn 
that men need to feel
needed,
as though the 
hunter gatherer bloodline
did not die with their 
ancestors long ago.

but the blood singing through
my veins echo the gutteral war-cries
of the ancestral women who
aided in my creation,

the warrior goddesses who
longed for the hunt and
enjoyed the companionship
of men at times,
but who never needed a man to validate their existence.

worry...

worry made a beast out of me
and it kept the truth trapped
within the gaps between my teeth

i carved cavities underneath
i hollowed out my own home
within the cliches and hollow bones

where i lived and died by the words
slipping through my bloody fangs

worry rots all my teeth away
i ground them down to the gums
to keep my feelings all at bay

i dreamt dreams of white capped waves
rinsing my mouth and breaking the enamel
i am yours to use, break, and dismantle

i live and die by the words
slipping through my salty grin.

destructive...

why must i always see the good in
destructive men?
the devil himself could walk up
to me and i would instantly admire
the way the flames in his eyes
melt my vodka tonic.

one more day...

if i could have one more day with you
i'm not quite sure what i would do.
the only thing for certain though
is one day will not be enough.
it's not enough to say all the goodbyes
that i had no time to say
and it's not enough to do all the things
we'd said we'd do one day.
one day won't be enough,
because i want you back.
i need to hear you laugh again
and all the jokes you crack.
i need to tell you that i'm not mad at you
and i need you to say it too.
i need you to make things normal again
to make all the mourning end.
and i need your opinion on everything
because you were my first best friend.
i know that you're in heaven now,
and they say you smile down.
but i need you to stand beside me
and not to let me drown.


-m. segreto

swine...

when he makes his demands
all i can think
is how sad i am for him.

had he been raised by a queen,
he would have learned
to worship the ground
a good and faithful woman
walks on
because women like that
are hard to come by.

unfortunately for him,
it seems he was raised
among the peasants
and the swine.

forged...

don't touch girls forged from fire
because she's got empires burning
in her veins

and cities have fallen for less
and kingdoms have fallen for more
and for her, you would tear down
mount olympus itself

a boy will break the world in half
for the love of a pretty girl
time and time again, you will find
history has written sonnets for
the girls behind the might of kings

the gods come crashing down
this is a war you can't win
girls like her are meant for more
than kingdoms crumbled to dust

for a girl of flames, you would 
burn the sky

what will you do when she drowns?

fuel that fucker...

in the name
of the fire inside of you kid,
don't be afraid.

that thing only wants feeding,
and it is your duty
as its host
to fuel that fucking flame.

braille...

what should i say
when i want to kiss
the side of your neck
and leave it at that?
when i want to feel the heat
of my own breath bounce back
and warm my lips after i
strategically place them
on my favorite pieces 
of your skin.
i want to leave goosebumps
everywhere i have not yet
kissed and spend the night
trying to read them 
like braille.

-tyler knott gregson-

i wonder...

i recently came across this:
"i wonder whose arms would i fall into if i were drunk in a room with everyone i have ever loved."
this becomes almost deeper when you think of non-romantic loves as well.
i am not going to include family or the best friend that's not romantic-ish.

of course, there are the romantic loves to think of first:
-the first love ex: the one that at the time, you thought you could not live without? the young and dumb love? the one that if you really think about it, was just practice? in all honesty, i wouldn't even include them. yeah, you still love them, but after all this time...you question if it even qualifies?
-the madly in lust, not love ex- that one shouldn't even qualify to begin with. sure at the time, you swore it was love.....but it never was. you were never in love, but the sex was good kind of thing. if you two had to actually have a conversation and it ended up in a fight....etc.
-the better off as friends ex- oh man. you have a deep bond. a love like no other. you two love each other, but you just can't get along enough to make it work. the fights were brutal. the making up was always nice, but it always went back and forth. the moment you'd try to make it work and put pressure on each other, it always went to hell. yes, the passion involved was like no other, but it's much healthier to just leave it as friends. you put each other through hell, but looking back...it made the bond so much stronger. you admire this person because they are always there, one of the most important people in your life, and you two can make it through anything. you know every inch of this persons soul, and you can look past all the shit you two have been through. 
-the mortal enemy ex- yeah, you love them. probably still have some kind of love, but you would still throw an anchor if they were drowning. fuck them. don't run to them. i'll stop on that one.

now to the much deeper loves:
-the one that got away- where do you even start to explain this one? this is the one with the amazing chemistry. (when i say chemistry, i mean: touching your mind and setting your body on fire kind of chemistry) this person could have been the one you patiently waited for and when you finally got them you were on top of the world. you literally lived for this person and every breath you shared together. any time they touched you, it was like they were writing poetry on your skin. the one that always came in and out of your life, and always kept you guessing. nobody has ever captivated you in this way. no matter how much time had passed. how could one heart stopping soul have so much power over you? the one that you were addicted to like they were drugs. sadly, you would still fight for them...and tomorrow if they even said hi, you'd be walking on air again. this person is the one who will always have a part of you no matter what. that kind of love. the kind you could start fires with what you feel for them.
-the best friend of the opposite gender- probably the most important person you will ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. they are unlike any other. you can talk to this person for hours and never ever get bored. you can tell them anything and they won't judge you and still think the sun shines out of your ass. you have a bond like no other and a deep deep love for one another. you couldn't imagine living this life without this person. "what would you do if i died today? i'd die tomorrow." when you fall to the floor, they will be the person to lay beside you and remind you to breathe. the one who makes your life worth living just because they are simply your other half. they carry stars in their pockets because they know you fear the dark. 
-the unrequited love- nothing haunts us like the things we don't say, in the end. this is the kind of love that rattles the human skull more. endless nights thinking "how could they not feel it? how could they not see the signs? what did i miss? why couldn't i see the signs? why couldn't i have given in? why did i have to realize this too fucking late? why could everyone else see it, but me?" there are no answers, just questions upon questions. unrequited love plagues the mind and shatters the soul. the questions. the scenarios. it always takes something drastic to happen for the love to even be realized and when you do...get ready. the loudest fucking haunting ever. you yearn for the day that you can finally tell them how you feel....but it's too late. maybe in another life. the worst part is knowing they are truly, madly, and deeply in love with you and you are too stubborn to realize that the feeling is mutual. the nostalgia comes in waves and suddenly you are drowning in it all.

-side note: some cases, unrequited love and the best friend could be the same person.-

but after all of that, who would you run to?
what if you didn't know the unrequited love existed?
would you run to the one who got away or the best friend?

gatekeeper...

the opening of a soul is a painful process
it involves the most intense pain
and it's pain that's not offered up
the opening of a soul happens when
someone forces it
when that someone finds the way in
when that someone won't let you escape
them

the opening of a soul is a painful process
but you opened my soul

you are my gatekeeper

-valerie masters-

betwixt and between...

my dark nights emasculate the sacred
as it falls into my teacherly metaphors
erasing the hum between
the pirouettes
of our
flights

muses roll along
the outskirts
of my
other
body

beading wholeness into
my weathered stormed
nirvana-edged
luminosity

morsels of virtue
ascend against the
the sky’s self-canopy
slippery & treacherous

where
i hoist
the poetics
of their beauty …

they … of … Madness … goddesses …

of dark fixtures
drawn from bluish winds
and the periwinkles of their Earth
calling me from the transcendence

of Spirit …

hollowing me
preparing me
for the gravity
of Gaia’s soil …

where graves
await my soul …

for i have spoken to the ancients

they ache
for
the secrets i carry
in this hidden light
flickering in my darkness
wordlessly in the dance of
the intermittent fires within me

and i lie torn
between grace and damnation
between heaven and the earth
between
Flesh & Spirit

and …

through these portals
they stroll like a
marionette
mocking
this
life
of
me …

along their fault lines
quivering ever darkly
betwixt and between
these polarities of
their droning
pathways …

my flesh begins to tear
my spirit begins to evaporate
nothing above, nothing below …

all betwixt & between … below & above ….

what if...

What if

all women were bigger and stronger than you

and thought they were smarter

What if

women were the ones who started wars

What if

too many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildos

and no K-Y Jelly

What if

the state trooper

who pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpike

was a woman

and carried a gun

What if

the ability to menstruate

was the prerequisite for most high-paying jobs

What if

your attractiveness to women depended

on the size of your penis

What if

every time women saw you

they’d hoot and make jerking motions with their hands

What if

women were always making jokes

about how ugly penises are

and how bad sperm tastes

What if

you had to explain what’s wrong with your car

to big sweaty women with greasy hands

who stared at your crotch

in a garage where you are surrounded

by posters of naked men with hard-ons

What if

men’s magazines featured cover photos

of 14-year-old boys

with socks

tucked into the front of their jeans

and articles like:

“How to tell if your wife is unfaithful”

or

“What your doctor won’t tell you about your prostate”

or

“The truth about impotence”

What if

the doctor who examined your prostate

was a woman

and called you “Honey”

What if

you had to inhale your boss’s stale cigar breath

as she insisted that sleeping with her

was part of the job

What if

you couldn’t get away because

the company dress code required

you wear shoes

designed to keep you from running

And what if

after all that

women still wanted you

to love them.

detectives...

if you where ever in your house, and you had a rat infestation, i would tell my work i had to leave because i was under mouse arrest... Then i would deploy a team of mice detectives, who ride tiny motor cycles, and battle rats roaches and other vermin... Then, when they completed their job i would enlist a mafia of italian cats with a don, Don Maxameowlin, to muscle them out... Then i would supply these radical terrorist dogs with intelligence on the cats stronghold, so they could get the cats out... Then i would call a dog catcher, he would come to your house, boom problem solved.

-tyce
sad that i wont get anymore texts like that.
i fucking miss my best friend, that asshole. 

loss of you...

everyone has told me
that what i am feeling
is alright
and someday
i will not be suffocated
by the thought
that i have touched you
for the last time
but i do not want to breathe normally
if it means forgetting
and i do not want to feel this way
if it means sleepless nights
and painful memories

being consumed
by the loss of you
has been tiring
and i would do anything
to bring you back.

I miss him(^) so god damn much....

2 weeks...

addicted...

contamination...

betrayal in a relationship is a contamination
that, once taken root, can never be wholly eradicated.
you can cover up the damage and pretend it
doesn't exist, but sooner or later, the hate,
the hurt, the lies and mistrust will rise up slowly
to the surface and tear you both apart.

-beau taplin

love me slowly...

"love me slowly,"
she whispered,
like the love i had
for her, had limits.
like it could run out
as easily as a grain
of time. 
i could tell,
by the sound of fear
in her lungs,
that she had a terrible past.
the kind that no one talks about,
the kind that remains
bottled up inside of you,
slowly and quietly,
killing everything in
your bones.

seeds...

yes,
i need you,
my fairy tale. 
because you are the only
person i can talk with about 
the shade of a cloud,
about the song of a thought

and about how,
when i look out to work
today and looked a tall
sunflower in the face,
it smiled at me with
all of it's seeds.

childishly...

i no longer wish to be loved childishly.
i want to be loved with the strength and
charm of maturity. 
i don't want to be smothered by the fear
of jealously and insecurities.
i don't want a relationship based
solely upon shutting the world out
and locking each other in.
i want to be somewhere where i can breathe.
where, with a million heartbeats
surrounding me, i can still know the sound
or even play the tune, or nod my head 
to the rhythm of the one i call
"home."
i want to call you home.

fireworks...

“

“I don’t know why you find me attractive,” he said with a stuttered laugh.

“Well,” I began, collecting my thoughts into the basket inside my mouth. “There were all those nights that you allowed my mind to intertwine within the depths of yours. The thing with that is, once you give another access to the darkest corners of your mind, they begin to spark light where there was none before. And it is this flickering amongst the darkness that makes ones eyes glow and heart set alight.”

“So you saw a spark?” He questioned, disbelieving.

“No. I saw fireworks.”

(c.m.) // Ignition (via christinarozaliameyer)

loudest haunting...

Your holy hands forget my scripture,
and the crown falls off this love.
There’s nothing I can do to stop it.
A kingdom breaks from 
even the smallest griefs.

Time passes,
and the world does its best to bury 
our small forever,
but you’re still the language I dream in.
I miss you more than any 
of the history books promised.

I should let you go,
leave you as a face lost 
to a train’s closing doors
or a busy signal on the other side of the line
but this ache is almost as loud
as the sound of you answering, 
so I keep it.

I know what this looks like.
Like this love is a rotting corpse,
and I can’t stop reading the autopsy sheet,
but
I wrote a poem without you in it once,
and it was the emptiest room
I’ve ever walked in. 

It was the loudest haunting
I’ve ever heard.

guardian...

i am a girl with a gun
cocked and ready to go
at a moments notice

rapid-fire speech like fireflies
on-off-on-off in the night

who would you have been
if you had been allowed 
to be somebody?

i am the guardian of
the memory of you
polished barrel
and happy trigger
we will never disappear

i know what i am...

I am a doormat.
I am the welcome mat you barely see but walk right over.

I am your doormat 
go ahead leave your dirt on me.

I am your doormat 
leave me out in the cold.

I am your doormat 
go ahead shake me clean because you’re having company.

I am your doormat 
I am raggedy and torn. 
Go ahead, replace me.

oxygen...

every part of you was made
for me.
your lips were made to
kiss mine,
your eyes were made to
wake up to me
looking at you
in my bed every morning,
and your fucking tongue was made
to roll my name off of it.
i am more certain of us
than i'm certain that 
i require oxygen to breathe.

life is not an easy class...

i know what sadness is, 
i know how it is to be hurt,
i know all of the most worst nightmares,
i know so many painful things 
and i don't even know why, 
but what i know now that keeps me alive.
because those storms in my life 
made me to the person i am today.
i'm a fighter,
i always was,
life is not an easy class.
you have to be broken
to wake up the power inside,
that will keep your head up
in the worst of times.
you have to believe 
and take a deep breath
but also remain confident and positive.
no matter what,
i never gave up
and i never will
because i know how it is
to be broken into pieces,
to pick them up 
and glue them together.
it takes time but i'm stronger than ever,
life made me this way.

flowers that grow in the dark...

They tell me that living is like this: bills, three square meals a day, a hobby, and more bills. Sleeping in a bed with someone every night for 50+ years. Never dreaming too big.

There is a beast in me that hungers for more, more meaning, more depth, more ocean. Something colorful and loud.

They tell me that living is like this: going on proper dates with proper people, waiting to say I love you, waiting to feel.

Give me the most violent love I can take. Give me God’s angry fire. I can’t survive on air. The words I never said will strangle me in my sleep. I refuse to die in such a quiet way.

its 2 am...

...and i wish i could get better

I have a headache growing at the front of my mind
and it’s whispering my name over and over again,
as if by repeating it excessively, it will no longer
mean anything and I will be wiped from existence.
Sometimes it just really sucks, feeling like
you don’t want to feel anymore and then your
body kind of just crumbles and falls to every
negative thought you’ve ever had.
I wish this type of pain didn’t exist but hey
it’s fucking life and I gotta deal.
But sometimes it’s so hard– I don’t even know,
will my smiles ever come without anchors
hanging off the corners of my lips?
It’s getting late, and I should be getting some
sleep– I just don’t know if I’ll want to get
up to kiss the sun tomorrow morning.
Fuck. One day, I’m going to hold the light
in my palms and it won’t be from cigarette butts.
I’m gonna make it out of this shithole– I’m going
to grow from this. Fuck the mentality of what if
it doesn’t get better. Fuck. I will break through
iron cages if I have to. I’m going to tear this dead
shell off of me like I was born to exfoliate.
See, I’m already making jokes. Fuck yeah, I’m
going to do this. I’m going to wake up to see
the sun rise. I’m going to get better. Fucking yes.