scared...

i think, when it comes down to it.....
i am scared of being happy.
happiness always leaves. 
im scared of loving people, they always vanish.

i have noticed that the things that unravel a smile across my lips, always fade away.
sadness is like my best friend.

i fathom that the deadliest things in life are permanent. 
they never leave, or vanish, but the things that unravel a smile across my lips....always leave. 

menstrual...

guys who try to use the "are you on your period?" as a way to end an argument always amuse me. because it gives me the excuse to lean in close and whisper...

"i started my day by waking up in a pool of my own blood. is that how you'd like me to end yours?"

math steps...

my brother is all math, 
he is all hard numbers, 
so when i ask him how to remove the scars left by someone else, 
he says go get a pen

my brother's steps to getting over it:
1. change your ringtone for everyone.
2. cut your hair or start wearing it differently.
3. get a friend to do simple chores with you a couple of weeks because it will re path the sensory inputs in your brain and you will no longer associate downtime with him.
4. change is imperative. stagnation means death.
5. replace him, but not with another man. replace him with a new hobby, with a book, with a blog. fill up the time with something 100% not tainted by him. 

my brother says that we miss people because we keep them in our brains like bad habits, he says that 21 days of not thinking of him, you wont even realize that you  have forgotten.

he says the catalyst of all of this is just letting time take its toll and being patient.

rid.

two things...

some people are good at being in love.
some people are good at love.
two very different things, i think.

being in love is the romantic part-
sex all the time,
mid-day naps in the sheets,
the jokes,
the laughs,
the fun,
long conversations with no pauses,
overwhelming separation anxiety,
just the best sides of both people, you know?

but love begins when the excitement of being in love starts to fade:
the stress of life sets in,
the butterflies disappear,
the sex becomes a chore,
the tears,
the sadness,
the arguments,
the cattiness..
the worst parts of both people.

but if you still want that person by your side through all of those things.....thats when you know- thats when you know you're good at love.

tired...

my heart must be exhausted by now, 

because i know my brain is out of shape.

but, for all that my heart knows of love, 

my mind can counter with hate.

i want to tell you that i love you, 

but i hate seeing your god-damn stupid face.

for all the good that is in my life, 

i cant stop picturing a life where we happened.

god knows i am done with this wait, 

because as much as i try to move on, 

i can not rid my mouth of your taste.

k.p.k.

hearts purpose...

how foolish it is to think that we love with our hearts. 
the heart is just an organ with a job to do, a quota to fill.
when i love, i dont want to love with a blood-pumping machine. i want to love with every inch of my body. i will love with my knees and my fingertips, with my elbows and my collarbones, with my freckles and my knuckles, my wrinkles and my scars.
and i will love you with all the spaces in between.

i am not a romantic, but even i can concede that the heart does not exist solely for the purpose of pumping blood. yes, i love with my entire being, not just my heart. but i also know how it feels to have my heart broken. i have loved with my entire being, and the moment that i lost...my heart was the first thing to stop. of course, it always started back, but it did stop for a quick moment that felt like an eternity. without a heart, nobody would ever have the chance to really love. the heart is a vital organ. its the engine that keeps you going. lose it, and you're dead. a faint soul. 

paradigm...

love this.
i could write an entire novel on this one.

this is key- once you understand your'e self worth, i guarantee it will be easier for you to navigate through all of your relationships. know who you are and what you will (and wont) accept from a lover. yes, it is still far to feel slighted if they come up short, but be proud when you can walk away from something that is outside of what you deserve. you deserve respect. you deserve honesty. you deserve kindness.
do not settle for anything less than what you deserve. it never works out. 

piece of advice?
when you meet a person, he or she is already who he or she is. accept and understand that you cannot change people. all you can do is see whether or not they fit into your paradigm of a happy future.

oceans stir...

i want our body language 
to make the oceans stir
into a beautiful hurricane.
i want to make the earth shake
with the way you make me feel,
i want to take singing lessons,
so i can attempt to serenade
your favorite songs.
every time we part ways,
i want to embrace you as if
it'll be the last time i ever do.
i want to see your smile
every time i (close me eyes)
but at the same time,
i feel as though i hardly deserve 
to witness something 
so beautiful. 
and i want you to know
that every time i look at you, 
it's as if you are the only thing
that has ever made sense
in my life.

jl

everywhere...

you told me once
"tell me where it hurts,
and i will kiss it all better"

but now, 
its two and a half
years later

and where are you?

when i am laying in my bed
clutching my pillow
like an anchor to this world

whispering
"everywhere"

k.p.k.

helter skelter...

after a while, i started to realize:

i deserve more than words and empty promises. 
the more chances i gave, the more respect i lost. 
i feel that my standards were ignored because no matter how bad things were messed up, it was known that i would always give in and give another chance. 
i deserve to have good morning and good night texts, even if i dont speak to them all day.
i had given and given, and it was never enough.
i was tired of feeling like an option. 
i had tried to look past my fears that i had. 
i always said that i wouldnt let the fear that he was being unfaithful overpower me, but it did.
i acted like it didnt bother me, but it did. 
i was insecure, but i had a reason to be.

it was like i had given him the key to my heart, and he kept losing it.
so i kept making copies to keep giving to him. 
i had given one too many chances. 
yeah, he always will have a special place in my heart, and i do not hate him, but i deserve better. 

i was tired of waiting for a phone call or text saying "hey. miss you.", etc. 
because there were times when i didnt get anything. 
disappointment.
i was tired of being ignored.
i was tired of everytime we seen each other we had sex. 
we would stay in and have sex instead of going out.
dont get me wrong, the sex was amazing. 
but thats all the relationship was based on.

it was never supposed to be like this, in the first place. 
it wasnt normal. 

it was hard as hell to walk away, but i had to. 

one day...

i hope one day 
you give your heart
to someone
and they will hold it tight
as if its their own

i hope one day
you wake up
and have something
or someone to live for

i hope one day
you can go to bed
smiling without a worry
in the world

i hope one day
the battle is over
and you've won

i hope one day
you meet someone
who makes you realize
how beautiful
you truly are

n.v.

self worth...

I make no apologies for the choices that I have made. 
I am only human. 

For the past few months, I have felt like I have been running in circles, getting nowhere.
I had to make a terribly tough decision. 
It was like the more chances I had given, the more respect I had lost. 
I had ignored my standards. I let someone get comfortable with the thought that there was always another chance.
I shouldn't have forgiven as much as i did. 
It should have never been that way in the first place.

I learned to respect myself enough to walk away from something that has been nothing but toxic. I didn't deserve to feel like one of many options. I was the one who chose to remove myself from the equation. I was tired of fighting for the people who only want a part-time position in my life. 

I am the only keeper of my own happiness. Only I control my smile, my worth, and my attitude.
Only me, nobody else.
I am done crossing oceans for people who wouldn't even jump a puddle for me. 
I can no longer feel bad for removing toxic people from my life, even if it hurts.

I am tired. 
I can no longer keep holding on.
I can only put up with bullshit for a certain amount of time, until I give up and walk away.

If I wouldn't have given up, i'd still be doing the same thing. Running in fucking circles. Holding on to something that is not there. I wasn't happy. 

...but i'm right where I belong. 

phone calls...

"If he's not calling you, it is because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesnt follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you. Dont be with someone who doesnt do what they say they're going to do. If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesnt respect your feelings and needs. Busy is just another word for asshole. Asshole is just another word for the guy that you are dating. You deserve a fucking phone call."

-Greg Behrendt

romance...

"this generation has lost the true meaning of romance. there are so many songs that disrespect women. you cant treat the woman you love as a piece of meat. you should treat your love like a princess. give her love songs, something with real meaning. maybe im old fashioned, but to respect the woman you love should be a priority."
-tom hiddleston

points to be made:

1. sex is easy, try love.
2. dont cheat. not happy? found someone else? before you actually cheat. 
3. dont lie. its better to be hurt with the truth than comforted with a lie.
4. a little jealousy is healthy in a relationship. you should be honored that your spouse gets jealous. (not hella jealous, just a bit.). thats how you know that they get jealous because they are afraid to lose you. its comforting, kinda.
5. dont get mad when they get jealous over one of your friends. no matter how many times you have to reassure them that nothing is going on between you two. girls over-think too much. you two started off as being friends and grew into the relationship yall have now. they are scared because its happened before. with you and your spouse.
6. std's. i dont need to elaborate that one. and if you dont get it, you suck at life.
7.listen to them. be their best friend and lover at the same time.
8. protect them. let them be safe around you. they know if anything bad were to happen, youd be right there.
9. no abuse of any kind. ever.
10.use protection. dont fall in the same category as all the kids have kids now. dont be a part of that. 
11. show your girl off. but then dont treat her like a trophy. 

the audacity...

alright, so heres my topic of the night.
this ratchet girl that i have spoken of previously, has popped back up.

the couple that she had split up are back together, trying to work things out, once more. 
they have blocked her on all social networks. the man deleted her number. 
apparently she didnt get the hint that the couple doesnt want her to come near the relationship. 
thats why they did all that.

well this bitch has been texting the man, a few times. every time she texted, he hasnt written her back. 
ladies, if he doesnt write you back.....he dont wanna fucking talk to you.

well she texted him over the weekend. he had written her back asking why she just has to talk to him. theres a reason he wasnt writing back. didnt catch on to the meaning of his statement.
she proceeded to ask if he was single, cause she was coming back home for the weekend, and wanted to hang out with him. 

no, he is not single. hes not hanging out with you. he doesnt even want to talk to you. 

and apparently it didnt make a fuck to you if he was single or not when you ruined his relationship on thanksgiving. 
you stupid fucking cunt. 
the audacity.

karma will catch up. and you will deserve every bit of the shit karma does to you.
i already have my ticket, front row.....for the show.

any girl that is in the girlfriends position would kill to have a front row seat to the karma catching the homewrecker event.