so far, none of this has been easy. there are days where i want to just lay in my bed and forget the rest of the world exists. There are also days that i have prayed for my fathers pain and give it to me, take me, not him.
yeah, ill admit that before any of this, my father and i had a very rocky relationship, but he is still my father. He has always been the strongest man i know, but hes a fighter. He is still staying surprisingly strong thru this situation. I'll be damned if i leave his side during any of this.
here is my problem:
after tons and tons of tests, the doctor had figured out the right treatment.
turns out, its a study drug.
i wasn't too happy with any of the treatment options, but the one that has been decided is a different ball-game.
my only issue with this study drug is the fact that there is no guarantee of side effects. anytime something new comes up, they have to hold his treatments. i get it.
originally he was supposed to be on the medicine for around 15 months. now, its over two years. there is no telling what the hell that medicine is going to cause.
we have had more issues out of this stupid study drug than anything. the longest he has went without having to hold has been right around 2 maybe 3 months consecutive. but then something comes up.
this medicine has caused my father to lose vision in his right eye. legit, cant see anything. yeah, we have steroid eye drops to help it, but really how long will they help?
its the same with any other symptom.
my main issue is the fact that i have already heard that the doctors have published something on this study. shouldn't they do that after its all said and done? apparently there are only 3 people who are still alive that are similar cases on the research, my father being one of them.
he just started the treatment, hasn't even been on it for a year really.
i understand that the doctors are trying to take note and figure out the answers in a rare situation, blah blah blah. but my father is not a damn guinea pig. he is not a case number. nor a bag of money.
he is a human being, the strongest man i know.
i just feel that they're doing all this research and not really looking at the fact that he is a man with cancer and there are people that care about him depending on these doctors.
how would they feel if they were in my shoes?
i just feel like they aren't really looking at him as another human being. they don't see it my way.
he's not a lab rat. he is my father. and i will be damned if they keep him on this treatment. its supposed to help him, not make him worse. i cant lose my father. I'm not ready for it.
i am terrified that they are going to keep him on this drug and its going to kill him. i want him to be there to walk me down the isle, even if i have to push him in a wheelchair. i want my future husband to be scared to death when they have to ask him for my hand in marriage. i want him there when i decide to make him a grandfather. i don't care if hes in another room in the hospital, i will have the nurse take me and his grandchild to his room if i have to. hes supposed to be there for all of it.
it is scaring the hell out of me to live with the possibility that i could lose him.
there is just so many mixed emotions with this. i haven't really talked about it to anybody. i don't like talking about it.
also, anyone who reads this....may is melanoma awareness month. so please check out the link i am attaching to this post. it could save a life.
http://www.melanoma.org/get-involved/advocacy-initiatives/get-naked
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